Just because your teenager is distancing themselves from you doesn't mean they no longer need their parents—quite the opposite, in fact. So how do you maintain a good relationship in this context?

• Accepting the distance your teen takes is a normal and necessary phase in their development.
• Accept that they refuse physical contact.
• Accept that they might keep a few secrets.
• Take an interest in their experiences.
• Respect their ideas, even if they differ from your own.
• Plan family time to keep in touch (dinner, activities, time in the shared areas of the house).

• Allow them to take part in a variety of activities, try out new experiences, and take certain risks, while ensuring that their safety is not threatened.
• Accept and normalize their mistakes, while making them accountable for the consequences.
• Help your teenager to think things through and make the right decisions with questions such as: "What do you think of this decision?", "What will happen if you do this?", "How will you cope if it goes wrong?", or "What are your solutions?". 
• Does your teen have doubts and is reluctant to move forward? This is normal, as they are building their personality and self-esteem. You can support them by setting small challenges. Dealing with the challenges will motivate them forge ahead. 

When your teenager doesn't share the same opinion as you, it's a good sign. They are trying to distinguish themselves and distance themselves from you to simply grow up. Don't take it personally; it's not directed at you!

Your teen's need for independence and distance from their parents might lead them to oppose family rules. So it's important to plan for and maintain a family environment.

Allowing your teenager to take part in decisions that affect them within the family organization is an excellent initiative that will enable them to express themselves and feel valued. They should have the opportunity to state their ideas (e.g., for vacations, family rules, household chores, course choices, etc.), specifying that you still have the final say as a parent. 

They need freedom, yes, but not totally at this point. Your youngster must understand that freedom goes hand-in-hand with responsibility and that these two terms must move forward at the same pace. With greater freedom comes greater responsibility.

It is therefore important to clarify the rules governing the development of independence: 

• Set curfew times. 
• Find out where they are and with whom. 
• Organize their transportation and keep you informed. 
• Set rules in your home for when their friends visit.
• Identify nonnegotiable boundaries within which your teenager will be able to navigate freely (choose their lunch, their extracurricular activity, the time for doing homework, negotiating an outing).

Does your teen sometimes fails to comply with the rules? It happens. 
Despite their strong need for independence, they sometimes need an adult to help them stop and think about their choices. It's possible to work with them while being sensitive to their needs, respecting them, and trusting them. Here's a great model to give your youngster in building their personality.

Here are some pitfalls to avoid when choosing your interventions:

Demonstrate indifference: You might find it difficult to see your teenager distance themselves from you. Reacting with indifference and disengagement can have a significant impact on your teenager. Take a step back and try to recognize what this stage is doing to you, so that you can stay connected to your teen's needs, be there for them and intervene when necessary.

Being the "Too Cool" parent: It's quite a challenge to deal with your teen's many demands and to accept the wave of emotions and reproaches that follow when you maintain the limits you've set. You can can tend to avoid conflict by giving in to all these demands, which would not at all helpful for your teen's safety and development. They still need to be told "this is dangerous for you, I'm not allowing this right now." 

Being a "Rigid" parent: Maintaining your position is a good thing when necessary. Don't forget that your teen is looking to grow up and take responsibility for their own life. Not taking the time to listen to your child's point of view and consider their changing needs is a form of parental rigidity. Adjusting to adolescence doesn't mean letting them do whatever they want. Listening to your teen's needs and agreeing with them on what can be negotiated is a more appropriate way to intervene. You still need to respect your values and priorities. Sometimes it's a good idea to discuss this with your family and friends, and with specialist organizations, to obtain validation. 

Répertoire des programmes et services sociaux de proximité pour l’Estrie (including Haute-Yamaska)

• Topic 3 exercise

• Document ADO 101 CIUSSS de la Capitale Nationale, 2017